I know that supposedly we celebrated Independence Day on the 4th, but today you can declare your financial independence day because I got a whole mess of jobs that are gonna pull you out of whatever hole you dug yourself into. Are you ready? I’m ready! Let’s go!

The Freelance Writing Jobs

1. Music writer – are you based in NYC? There’s a sneaky little assignment waiting for you; you’re going to go to four stores in the city as a secret shopper. It’s a 2,000-word assignment but pays well, so hit it if you’re a music aficionado as well as a super spy. This freelance writing job pays $250 for the assignment.
2. Cover letter writer – basically, you’re going to be writing the best cover letter you have ever written to help this guy get a job. If that sounds like it’s up your alley, have at it. This freelance writing job pays $50.
3. Teen magazine writer – if you’re down with Justin Bieber and the Twitter and the YouTubes then I suppose you ought to try for this one. The pay’s good but you do need to be fast–they have a tight deadline. This freelance writing job pays $50 per article.
4. EcoBlog writer – do you love the environment? I mean, I guess, more than you should? Well, then why not get paid for it? Keep these articles short and sweet and you’ll be well compensated. This freelance writing job pays $200 for five short articles–that’s under 400 words each!
5. Fashion PR writer – my background is about the furthest thing from PR, but yours shouldn’t be if you want to book this gig. A boutique PR firm is looking for writers to do press releases, bios, and pitches. This freelance writing job pays $75-$100 per press release, $50-$75 per bio, and $25-$50 per pitch.

I see an awful lot of retaliatory Craigslist postings where people bitch about the quality of articles, or even attempt to call out a bad employer or job. While that’s noble, it also looks whiny. The posting is likely to get flagged and removed anyway, so although you might feel like you’re doing good, you aren’t doing much good. In addition, you just clog up Craigslist with pointless entries, making it even harder to navigate. Leave the kvetching to professionals (like me!) and just chug away. If you need to feel like you’re doing something, send me some of the worst and I’ll eviscerate them for you. Like this next one!

Men’s Weekly, an online men’s magazine, is searching for talented writers to write about technology – Cell Phones, Laptops, Alternative Fuel Vehicles, New Gadgets, etc. We are searching for someone who can write grammatically correct articles that are optimized for SEO while maintaining journalist quality as well as keeping the articles in an easy to read, entertaining format. This is an opportunity to get in with an aspiring men’s magazine that is on track to compete with Askmen, Men’s Fitness, and several other publications. The first month will be considered a probationary period in which your skills as a writer will be analyzed. Once the probabtionary period is over, compensation will begin.

Any interested persons should email their resume and writing sample for immediate response.

Regards,

Men’s Weekly

So you’re telling me that I get to work for you for free for over a month period and then after that–after careful consideration–you will at last condescend to pay me? Oh happy day! Thank you, benevolent employer! I appreciate your magnanimity, and hail you on high for your wisdom and care. Give us this day our daily bread, O Men’s Weekly, and forgive us our sins!

In the meantime, I have an idea with what you can do with all those free articles. I think you guys out to print them out, tie them carefully into a large bindle, and then cram them up your rear. Anyone who agrees to this must be a masochist of the highest order, who maybe gets off on being abused in the workplace instead of the bedroom. The most you should ever send any employer is a few clips of work you’ve already done. Basically, this is indentured servitude. Even crap office jobs pay you during a probationary period, and even interns get free lox with their bagels. Men’s Weekly, get bent.

Most very sincerely yours,

Clint Osterholz, genius, esq.

If you’d like to look through longer aggregated lists of freelance writing jobs to help you save time in your job search, All Freelance Writing recommends Anne Wayman’s freelance writing jobs at AboutFreelanceWriting.com.