Author Archives: Clint Osterholz

So I’m out. It’s hard to post this because–and I cannot believe I’m typing this–I have been doing this for over a year now. And I loved every second of it. I really wish that I weren’t stopping, but it’s clear to me that I need to move on now so that I can give myself ample time for other projects. I want you all to know that you have been an incredible ride and I’ve really enjoyed writing for you. You’re an incredibly appreciative audience and I love that you all have commented so much and left me so …

When I was a little kid, I thought Santa was the coolest guy ever. Who else in my life did I know who ate nothing but cookies and delivered presents to kids such as myself? Well, there was the crazy old woman down the street but her presents really sucked. Who at the age of twelve would want a hairball wreath? I would love to have one now, however. In any case, this year I finally found out the horrible truth–Santa isn’t real. I’m sorry if that comes as a shock to anyone out there reading. Perhaps I should have …

Usually when I do this column, I don’t talk much about myself. That’s probably because A) I am boring and B) I do not have a second item. That is how boring I am. Sorry. In any case, I’d like to tell you a little tale of something that recently happened that is totally 100% true that’s not so funny as it is entertaining. I’ll probably throw in a joke or two to keep you interested. That is because I am nice. And awesome. I found this site that I enjoyed visiting immensely was hiring through Craigslist, and they posted a …

When you’re a creative type like me–and you aren’t, so I don’t know why you’re reading this article, but that’s okay, I can’t really talk you out of it and you never listen to me anymore–you have to keep the creative juices flowing. Now that I’ve grossed you out with that visual, I guess that creativity is really more like a tube of toothpaste. You squeeze it out in pea-shaped gobbets and then it…gross. This is just so goddamn gross. First I’m talking about creative juice, which sounds like a euphemism for you-know-what (orange juice), and then I’m going on …

Don’t you just love Thanksgiving-related puns? I certainly do. I think that one of the best things you can do when you write is create a bunch of tired analogues to seasonal holiday traditions and discuss them ad nauseum! So not to be a turkey but this post is going to be for the birds…AND THE PILGRIMS! No, I’m sorry. I really don’t want to punish everyone. Instead, let me be sincere by saying that I am very grateful to be here a year later (a year! That’s like three hundred generations of fruit flies who have lived and died) …

I’ve noticed that we have covered a lot of topics here on AFW, but I’m shocked–STUNNED, really–to find that Jenn and crew hate old people. At least, you’d think that they hate old people considering they never talk about them. I have been reading up on how to be a successful political pundit recently and I found that jumping to conclusions is a very successful way to become one. I’m doing that in this paragraph because I’m trying to be inflammatory. In any case, we have never really talked about writing for the elderly. They’re an ever-expanding market as baby …

A million years ago–and I swear that this is true–when I first started freelancing, I was a spam commenter. I actually had to come up with stupid things to say on every last little thing that someone posted, and I had to reach a certain quota or else I didn’t get paid. I was supposed to write 100 words (which, as I am attempting to demonstrate with this paragraph, is really freaking hard unless I put in a bunch of filler words like bunch, filler, and words) and make sure that my comments were ‘pertinent’. Well, how do you write …