You Can Get by with One Client

That’s certainly what I did! I get paid a bazillion words to do a monthly column and I don’t see any reason to go find other work because I have it so sweet. Instead, I just write my pithy little columns myself and my editor just eats them up. That poor sucker. He doesn’t even check my work. It’s a sweet deal. Hi-5!

Marketing is Wholly Unnecessary

Because I’m such a big deal, people just sort of line up and ask me to do jobs. Of course I don’t because I only have one client but if I wanted to work other jobs I could. I don’t have a website or platform or anything, I’ve spent nothing on business cards, and I have never marketed myself beyond just being awesome in every way. You’re welcome, everyone.

My Job has Nothing Wrong with It

At all. There’s no such thing as a downside for me. All I do is I come in, like a rockstar, and type away at my column. Next time I write one I’m going experimental–I’m going to write precisely one word. I bet everyone will go nuts for it. I am going to have to clear it with my editor though because I get paid by the word and that would sort of suck to make rent. People don’t get the artistic, sometimes.

Stop Asking Me About My Job

Seriously I am not going to talk about how there’s something wrong. Maybe YOU are the one who has the problem. Stop trying to find things where nothing’s bad. You probably like to sit around and critique other people’s work while your own sucks. Stop being such a dillweed.

I’m Going to Get a Soda

This interview is over. And the soda is likely to be of the Coca-Cola variety although I could be tempted into a Fanta if the price point is right.

If you’ll notice, I lost focus through this article as per usual. You’re welcome. I’m going to take a bow and head out now.

Website: www.tiffanymaxwell.com

Specialty: Business writing, blogging, substantive editing

Rates: 0.45/word for writing, 12/page for editing

Do you have a product or service to sell, and need eye-catching copy? Perhaps you want to liven up your website with a regular blog, or start a mailing list to all your potential clients? Maybe you have all these things, but you want an extra set of eyes to proofread, or give your work a thorough substantive edit. Or perhaps written content is not your problem, but you’re a small business owner in need of a virtual assistant, or short term administrative help.

I can offer you the following:

Article writing and blogging – My style is concise and lively, with a voice that can range from candid and humorous to slick and professional, perfect for anything from pure entertainment writing or quirky ad copy, to serious press releases, and your business newsletter.

Substantive editing – With extensive experience in editing business correspondence, marketing materials, course manuals, and novels, I will make your work leap off the page.

Proofreading – Don’t need a major overhaul, but just a second pair of eyes? Send me any documents you need checked for spelling, grammar, or punctuation mistakes.

Website: http://relationshipreflections.typepad.com/blog/

Specialty: SEO articles, Relationship articles, humor

Rates: 50 per 500 word article

Hello. I am a freelance writer with writing experience in the following areas:

2009 – 2010 Sacramento Dating Advice Examiner at www.examiner.com

2009 – current SEO article writer for www.Textbrokers.com

February 2010 – current SEO article writer for www.LondonBrokers.net

My blogs include:
Everything but the Fur – left field humor
The Zen of Clarity – personal observations on life and relationships

Other: Lyricist and poet

Website: http://www.mauverneen.com

Specialty: profile, travel, creative

Rates: 50 up

Published writer of travel articles, profiles, and book reviews. Experience in Graphic Design and photography. Experience also includes some comedy writing.

But those aren’t the emails I want to talk about. I also get a lot of emails from people who are just starting out freelancing. They want to know how to stay on task and get their stuff done. It’s tough being your own boss. So here’s a few ideas on how to keep yourself motivated and working.

1. Keep the TV on in the background. There is nothing like sitting on your laptop slamming out an article while distracting things happen in the background. Sometimes, I get so productive with this method that my jaw goes slack with my brilliance. Sometimes, I will produce up to a quarter of an article per day with this clever little tip. Additionally, you should put on your favorite movie. I find it motivating.
2. Take frequent breaks every five to ten minutes. I suggest the following sites: Gawker, Facebook, Wikipedia, TV Tropes, or any given webcomic that has been online for longer than five years. If you take a break every five to ten minutes, then you keep your brain fresh. Be sure to take a break that is at least 30 minutes long. You need the rest!
3. Leave the chat programs on. You may have a 5 PM deadline today, but you don’t want to sacrifice your social life. That’s why it’s always a good time to fire up AIM, GChat, and Skype so that you can stay in the loop with all your buds. Remember, you may not have left your house in six months, but there’s no reason why you can’t have a shallow and brief conversation with each of your friends who happen to be online at work. This is known as networking because you are on a network.
4. Multitask with involved chores. While you’re writing, there is no reason why you cannot do a little sprucing up of the homestead. I’m not talking about amateur errands like laundry or groceries either–you ought to spend time on intensive projects like scrubbing the grout in your bathroom, refinishing your floors by hand, producing an intricate mosaic tile pattern in your kitchen, or adding a rec room to your house. Personally, I am a fan of custom-making wooden furniture for my house. These are all projects you can do as a quick little break from your ever-increasing stack of projects to complete.
5. Surf the web mindlessly. If you have something really important to do, here’s what I would suggest you do. Look at your email inbox, sigh sadly, then turn to your browser (Firefox is best, but you can easily make do with Internet Explorer or Safari). Type in random phrases or try to find a website you visited once seven years ago. Please note that this is different from tip #2 because I needed to come up with five tips but then it turns out I hadn’t seen the latest episode of Caprica so I put that on first, and now I am making a quality article.

These tips will make you ultimately more productive. Hammer away at these five points (which are totally five points and not four stretched out to be five) until you’re a successful freelancer. Shower me with praise via email.

Yo-LAN-der. So cool.

Anyway. I’m afraid that we’ve done you a disservice. Although you have come to this blog for a great number of articles on various writing markets and professions, there’s one we skipped. Inexcusably, in my estimation. That would be the profession of being a Craigslist advertisement perv.

Now yesterday I may have posted the following:

Do you have a vivid, extraordinary erotic imagination? Are you prepared to share it, extemporaneously, with a generous, good-looking gentleman? This is NOT an ad for sex, but for a titillating encounter, or series of encounters, in which you share your dirtiest fantasies with a respectful and polite guy.

Best of luck to you out there. I look forward to seeing the new and slimy ways you all plan on choking up Craigslist with inappropriate requests!

Disclaimer: Do not listen to the humorist. Do not take the humorist seriously. The humorist will not be held responsible for anything you decide to do despite the clear use of sarcasm HTML tags.

I have the (mis?)fortune of living in New York City, where arguably no one has time to do anything. That’s probably why everyone here is so goshdarn cranky all the time. I grew up in the South and used to smile at every stranger I met. Now that I live in a city that clocks in at just under 10 million denizens, that’s a lot of smiling on a daily basis. To give my poor cheeks a rest, I can’t flash my winning grin at every passer-by. I save it for friendly-looking people, mostly. And homeless people and babies.

The reason I mention this is because, of course, elevator speeches have to be REALLY fast here. In fact, due to express elevator service in some buildings, you don’t even get an elevator pitch. I’m barely at the windup before the prospective client is halfway down the hall, calling security. (Oh yeah, don’t forget to check in with the front desk in New York. That is vital.) Plus, there are a trillion people who all want to do what you want to do, so you have to stand out from the crowd.

In light of both of those facts, here’s what I do. When I’m actually in an elevator with someone I want to talk to, I wait until we’re both in there on our own (sometimes this takes months). But here is my trick: I fake a sneeze. And not a normal one either–like one of those that cause you to lurch forward and maybe stumble a bit. When I stumble, though, I “accidentally” hit the elevator emergency stop button.

Do you see what I just did there? I created an opportunity to open up to a client. Now, while we scream for the fire department to please, please come and get us (by the way I forgot to mention that you should disable the emergency phone in advance) so that you can use that to segue into your writing services. Since you have the shared experience of having survived an ordeal, the client is much more willing to work with you in the future. Just don’t let them find the wire cutters.

I wish you all the best in finding new clients with your newly acquired skills. Let me know how it goes!

Disclaimer: do not ever do this as you would face jail time or at least the humiliating prospect of being in an elevator for an uncomfortable period of time, especially if the client prospect turns you down

I think the power that they have over freelancers has gotten to their head though. Check out this memo they sent me this morning.

For Immediate Release

Re: Freelancer Dress Code

Dear freelance union member,

As you are no doubt aware, freelancers comprise 30% of the workforce in the United States. We are a strong group comprised of graphic designers, writers, and video editors, to name a few. We are often overlooked, hardworking individuals who deserve respect.

It troubles me deeply, however, that we often demand rights while sitting at home deep into the afternoon still wearing fuzzy bunny slippers and monkey pajamas at best, little more than boxers at worst. This is not the way to put forth a commanding image. Henceforth, any members of the Freelancers Union must adhere to the following dress code.

• All men must wear a shirt. I’m sorry, but I have to be strict on this. It doesn’t matter if you have decided to go with pants or slacks as no one can see you from the waist down on Skype anyway, but have the professional courtesy to wear something on your torso. Undershirts are not shirts.
• All women must likewise at least be dressed in day clothes. Pajamas are no longer acceptable day-to-day wear, nor is a bathrobe, towel, or any iteration of sauna attire or athletic gear. The Sporty Spice look is also not acceptable.
• Facial piercings and neck tattoos must be kept to a minimum–three of each, tops.
• Personal hygiene is very important. I know that you probably have a deadline, but grab a shower before slamming out an article for a client. I can tell. They can tell.
• Even if you have decided to work all day from bed, that is no excuse to be unprofessional. Men should expect to wear a full three-piece suit while women should wear a business pantsuit. During the winter months, this will help you cut down on heating costs. Dry cleaning costs, not so much.

When every day is Casual Friday, freelancers must take care to understand that casual is not defined by plaid boxers and a stained Lord of the Onion Rings t-shirt. With these subtle changes, I feel we can really be taken seriously as professionals.

If you’ll excuse me, my pantsuit needs pressing.

Warmest wishes,

Sara Horowitz, founder and executive director

Disclaimer: I did not actually get this email, nor would Ms. Horowitz ever send this–but I did write it with pants on.

Oh but then you couldn’t get enough, could you? It turns out that Xanga was just a gateway blog for you. You started thinking about increasing your SEO. You started updating your meta description before you even wrote your posts. You imported your blog from a nice free service to your own self-hosted domain. And–dare I even say it?–you got a Sociable plug-in. Do you even recognize yourself in the mirror?

I’m sorry. I got a little accusatory. This is an intervention. I am doing this because I love you. I …worry. I think you may have become a blogwhore. Don’t believe me? Here are five signs that you’ve become a total blogwhore:

1. You now read more than ten blogs per day and leave a daily comment on each one. You have never once actually contributed to the conversation beyond something chirpy like, “Wow! Great article! I never thought of it that way!” Even if the article is about tying your shoes. This is the blog equivalent of telling someone to have a great summer in their yearbook back in high school. I also hate it when you do this because I am awfully witty, and that just means you ignored my totally rad comments. Sorry, again, this is not about me.
2. I follow you on Twitter, and I don’t think you have once tweeted about anything but your blog. Not only that, but you often retweet yourself. That is like clapping for yourself at an award ceremony. It’s one level below getting drunk and humiliating Taylor Swift.
3. You use bit.ly and su.pr, so when you update your blog, I’m always tricked into clicking on it. You always post links to your own writing like they’re a complete and total surprise to you. “Wow! Look at what I found!” you tweet. I know you’re not surprised by your own writing, not unless you’re part guppy. Is there something you’re not telling me?
4. You post status updates on Facebook AND you hooked up your RSS feed to Facebook notes. Not only that but you’ve also linked your updates to Tumblr and Twitter so for any given update to your blog, I end up seeing that you just wrote an update four times. The next logical step is for you to call me, leave me a voicemail, text me, email me, fax me, send me snail mail, and physically come to my house and announce via megaphone that you updated. If you want, I even know a guy who can do skywriting. He’s not cheap, but people need to know that you JUST NOW at THIS VERY MOMENT updated, so spare no expense.
5. The last time I sent you an email, you asked me if I wouldn’t mind submitting your response to Digg.

We need you to stop before you end up, cold and shaking, outside the New Media Expo, asking people if they’d be willing to give you a linkback if you add them to your blogroll. Do you recognize yourself?

Just remember – sometimes circles of hell will feel less painful than this job.

1.  Find Time To Work On Your Business

A famous law states that if you do not do anything to move towards a goal, you will never reach it.  Even worse, by doing things to move towards a goal, you must not do other things you would have done instead.  This fact alone has destroyed many a potential freelancer.  After all, if they wanted to do things, they wouldn’t have already quit their job.

So you must find time to perform your freelancing duties.  However, this is easier than you think.  Leo Baubata of Zen Habits tells his readers to eliminate everything from their task list except the most essential activities.  With some effort, you can achieve this as well.  Look closely at your life and you’ll find many activities that aren’t worth the investment.  After all, do you really need to listen to your spouse?  Can’t your children raise themselves on TV like you did?  And who needs to eat, when your friend Poison Ivy can show you how to absorb sunlight?

See what other useless things you can eliminate from your life.  Like maintaining a physical body.  Really, do you absolutely have to exist?  Sure, by not existing, you give up precious human contact…but just think about how many more product descriptions you can write!

2.  Networking

Another famous law states that if you don’t let anyone know that you’re offering a freelance service, you will never get any clients.  This seems to be a point of confusion among potential freelancers, who feel as if clients will drop out of the sky and land at their feet.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that.  The planes are only allowed to drop clients in front of the lottery winners.

Fortunately, it’s easy to tell people about your services.  While going about your day-to-day business, strike up conversations with people who look like they have money.  After introductions, steer the conversation towards your freelancing business.  This takes some finesse, but it can easily be done.  Watch how I change the subject in a conversation I had with my friend:

FRIEND: Oh, God, I’ve been shot!
ME: Oh, wow.  That looks pretty serious.
FRIEND: You have to get me to a hospital!
ME: All right.  I’ll take you to the Healthy Laughter Hospital, where they use jokes and sketch comedy to heal injuries.  I write comedy too, actually.  Did you know that?  Not only can I help you create informative content for your website and blog, I can inject it with humor and draw more traffic, backlinks, and comments.  See if I’m right for you – check out samples of my work on my website, www.giantrobotinvasion.com.
FRIEND: (Is dead.)
ME: Huh.  I guess you can’t putz around when someone gets shot in the heart.

Experiment with the ways you can promote your services in everyday conversation.

3.  Marketing

A third law from the same source states that, in combination with networking, you should also market your services.  There are many ways to do this, from guest posting on blogs and sending out press releases, to holding seminars and giving interviews.

All of these suck.

You see, these are fine marketing methods if you are eager to waste time before someone kills you with salt, since you are a slug.  However, humans everywhere know that the best way to generate word-of-mouth for their services is to do something incredibly loud and stupid.  (This is why there are now churches where people go to worship Johnny Knoxville.)

Let us learn from the example put forth by Richard and Mayumi Heene, who recently made headlines by claiming that their son was carried off inside a giant balloon.  In reality, their son was never in danger, and it was all a clever marketing tactic in order to create interest about their storm-chasing activities.  The tactic was so successful that it got the Heenes exactly what they wanted, assuming their goal was to earn felony charges.

You don’t have to pretend a loved one is being carried away in a balloon, but make sure your marketing ploy is just as bizarre.  Otherwise, no one will have a reason to care.

4.  Do The Work

A fourth law from a completely unrelated source states that once you earn an assignment from a client, you must then complete it in a timely manner.  This is a far more difficult concept than you realize.  After all, it is a well-known fact that the more important the work, the higher the chance that everything in the entire world will break while you are doing it.

No one really knows why this happens.  Even the scientific community can’t explain this, and they are quite skilled at using studies to explain what was painfully obvious.  Still, many freelancers have witnessed the effects of this phenomenon first-hand.  As they work on their assignments, they are increasingly bombarded by a multitude of distracting situations.  Children hurt themselves, spouses whine for food, and the dog decides that 12:18 AM is the only chance he will have today to relieve his bowels.

If you are not currently a freelancer, you can simulate this effect for yourself:

A. Sit down with pen and paper, or at your computer.
B. Write a 300 word article about any topic in mind.
C. Revise it to meet grammatical standards.
D. When you are finished, mail the article to yourself, as if you were actually sending the piece to a client.

Now imagine that, while you were working, your house has burst into flames.

This effect is but a fact of life for many freelancers.  You must develop the resolve you need to work in these situations, even while it feels like the entire world is coming down around you.  (This is probably because your son has found a bulldozer while you weren’t looking.)

5.  Get Paid

A fifth, more recent law states, “If you’re good at something, never do it for free.”  The wise man who stated this law then went on to blow up an entire hospital.  I considered removing his quote from this article, but then I realized that by using the words of a psychopath, Americans are more likely to tweet this article.

In any case, after you finish your work, you must get paid.  Many of your potential clients did not pay attention to this lecture in class.  After all, the nose is a fascinating place, filled with wonderful things to discover.  Unfortunately, the clients who prioritize this body cavity will have the hardest time reading and paying your invoice.

The solution, naturally, is to place the bill inside their nose.

How to place the bill inside the nose of your client is beyond the scope of this article.  (Though I suggest shoving it up just as he recoils from a sneeze.)  But consider the surprise that will overcome your client when he enters the nose and finds a piece of paper threaded up into his brain.  Furthermore, imagine his surprise when he pulls it out and remembers how to add numbers again.

This will please your client so much that he will pay right away, and when you are freelancing, that is very important.  After all, while you were working on that assignment, your house burst into flames.  You’ll need that money to pay for repairs, as well as to replace the bulldozer your son has driven into a lake.

With these five easy steps in mind, you are well on your way to a freelance career.  It will take hard work and dedication, but I am confident that, with time and patience, you will triumph.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to outbid someone in India who will write ten articles for ten dollars.