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Look, I don't think you guys know this, but I hate Chris Bibey. Ever since that punk joined AFW, he's been making me look bad, with his helpful advice and knowledgable, friendly attitude. Meanwhile I've been taking to sitting in front of the TV, watching old Hee-Haw reruns and eating Cheez Whiz straight from the jar, and I've taken to cursing at children who get near my nonexistent lawn. In short, I hate him because he makes me look bad in comparison. He is the anti-Clint.

In light of that fact, I have a sample query letter that I send to prospective clients that never fails to fail to impress. I figure that if that little Bibey jerk can tell you how to succeed, I should be telling you how to fail. It's a sort of Goofus and Gallant relationship, and I'll leave it up to you as to who's who. (I am Gallant.)

Date (as in you are asking the employer on a date)

Editor's misspelled name


I am looking for work, and this is why: I don't have that much money. I spent it huffing glue, which is one of the cheapest ways to get high but it can add up if you do it like blirty times a day. I hear it causes brain damage but whatever. You should try it with me sometime. Do you live in the area? I didn't really read the ad.

Anyway, I can write on just about any damn topic you send my way. My secret is that I have one article that I write over and over again, but I just replace all the nouns. A sample from that would be as follows: "INDUSTRIAL POLYMER SYNTHESIS is a very interesting topic. You can learn a lot from INDUSTRIAL POLYMER SYNTHESIS by reading about it on Wikipedia by searching INDUSTRIAL POLYMER SYNTHESIS." See? Your boring website is now awesome because I wrote something that will gain the reader's attention. I can make you awesome.

Now this is the paragraph where I grow belligerent. Your website sucks. I hate it. It made me want to throw up and not because I'm currently still sick from all that glue I was sniffing, although that may have been a contributing factor. If I, a highly sophisticated and intelligent professional website browser, am offended by your site's simply awful copy, don't you think a normal person would be driven to utter despair? You are making people sad. You are hurting people with your website. You should be locked up. I hate your guts.

Pay me money and I will make things better. Hurry, because there's a Hee-Haw marathon coming on TVLand and I don't really feel like working through such a sacred event.

If you are looking for my portfolio you will have to go on a quest to find it, with each clue more fiendishly difficult than the last. By way of courtesy, the first clue is as follows: the mystical wonderment that is cannot always be. in this place of whimsy, disservice is the key. You have 24 hours before the door locks forever.

I'm bored with writing this,


Good luck failing. If this succeeds to land you a job, then I have failed. I have failed to cause you to fail.

Thanks for sharing!
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Clint Osterholz is a freelance writer who thinks he's awfully funny, and is surprisingly not a disappointment to his parents. You're always free to check out his portfolio if you'd like someone to be funny, or maybe write something a little more serious. Subscribe to my posts (only posts from this author).

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