Adventures Without Internet

As you may or may not have noticed, being the most popular and in-demand article-dude-guy here on AFW, I always update my posts on Wednesdays. There was more than likely a furor and an uproar when I didn't post this week. I didn't hear about it because my damn internet wasn't damn working, but if I did, I would have found out on CNN that there was a widespread riot across the country as freelancers, pissed at not having some sort of humor outlet on a stressful Wednesday, rebelled against their clients and took to the streets protesting, looting, and rioting. PLEASE. For my sake and for everyone else's, don't riot next time. Overthrow your local government instead and install me as leader. I would make an excellent dictator. I already have the ability to grow a terrible mustache and I look great in military clothing.

At any rate–the point being that living my Wednesday without internet (and subsequently without cable because the damn cable company can't damn find their ass with a flashlight, two hands, an alpaca, and a curiously friendly guide named Tak) was a terrible day for everyone involved. I was unable to get work done because I didn't have the ability to post it, and I didn't feel like it because I didn't have my beloved television to inspire me to continue writing. Instead, I did the unthinkable: I left the house.

I quickly came back inside. That was stupid. How is the cable guy gonna come by if I'm outside? Also, there were some teenagers across the street and although this is pure speculation, I am pretty sure that they were high on the drugs and might have roughed me up for money or, worse, might have made fun of me for being outside blinking in the sunlight during the day. I fantasized that they were going to pelt me with cigarettes that I imagined they were probably smoking like a bunch of delinquents.

I got so bored that I actually read a book.

The cable guy came by and ended up saving me precisely when he said he would, between noon to perhaps three or four days after my actual repair request. He fiddled with some switches outside and spat on the ground, scratching himself. He called a number from his cell phone and my cable instantly blinked on. I'm so glad that I waited for him to make the phone call on my behalf. After all, being a helpless simp who is hardly technically proficient, I was unable to tell that the lines and static on my TV and lack of internet indicated that my CABLE wasn't WORKING so I needed a big strong man to show me.

Anyone else been without cable? Oh GOD let me know I'm not the only to suffer through this.

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Clint Osterholz is a freelance writer who thinks he's awfully funny, and is surprisingly not a disappointment to his parents. You're always free to check out his portfolio if you'd like someone to be funny, or maybe write something a little more serious. Subscribe to my posts (only posts from this author).

4 thoughts on “Adventures Without Internet”

  1. I don’t have cable, and my current Internet provider is mobile broadband with Verizon. Not the best option in the world, but I don’t despise it entirely.

    But oh garsh you read a book?!! Haha, since when do writers have time to read? Jenn and I were tweeting about our massive to-read lists, recently, and I find that I just have to make more time to read. Nonetheless, I’m not looking for another Internet breakdown. Jenn referred me to a (fabulous!) client, I got into the project and just before it was due, Verizon took a dump on my writing business. Luckily, my client understood and we’re working together on future projects. I was also able to use my neighbor’s cable Internet for a bit, which was amazingly kind of said neighbor and a real life-saver.

    But neighbors can be such a toss-up. Delinquents that will pelt you with their sinful items or those that will b*tch the whole time that you get paid ridiculous amounts to be able to wear your pajamas, too.

    We’re glad to have you back, Clint!

  2. Tears are literally streaming down my face. Not because this was frilarious or anything, I accidentally confused my eyedrops for the peroxide.

    Oh and my internet mysteriously goes out Friday afternoons when it’s time to send invoices. It’s like they’ve installed keylogger on my computer and whenever I type the word “invoice” my internet shuts down. Since I’ve typed it twice now, I’m sure my service will go out any second now.


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