So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

So I’m out. It’s hard to post this because–and I cannot believe I’m typing this–I have been doing this for over a year now. And I loved every second of it. I really wish that I weren’t stopping, but it’s clear to me that I need to move on now so that I can give myself ample time for other projects. I want you all

Santa, You Suck

When I was a little kid, I thought Santa was the coolest guy ever. Who else in my life did I know who ate nothing but cookies and delivered presents to kids such as myself? Well, there was the crazy old woman down the street but her presents really sucked. Who at the age of twelve would want a hairball wreath? I would love to

Uninspired? Get Revenge

Usually when I do this column, I don’t talk much about myself. That’s probably because A) I am boring and B) I do not have a second item. That is how boring I am. Sorry. In any case, I’d like to tell you a little tale of something that recently happened that is totally 100% true that’s not so funny as it is entertaining. I’ll probably

Avoid Plagiarism by Copying Yourself

I discovered that I am one of the greenest people out there. See, last year I wrote this article about the holidays on giving gifts and maybe doing freelance writing for family members instead of actually giving out presents. Funny, as an article, but not great. I don’t think I’d put together something like that now like I did then, especially since I have matured

How to Regain Inspiration

When you’re a creative type like me–and you aren’t, so I don’t know why you’re reading this article, but that’s okay, I can’t really talk you out of it and you never listen to me anymore–you have to keep the creative juices flowing. Now that I’ve grossed you out with that visual, I guess that creativity is really more like a tube of toothpaste. You


Don’t you just love Thanksgiving-related puns? I certainly do. I think that one of the best things you can do when you write is create a bunch of tired analogues to seasonal holiday traditions and discuss them ad nauseum! So not to be a turkey but this post is going to be for the birds…AND THE PILGRIMS! No, I’m sorry. I really don’t want to

How to Write for the Elderly

I’ve noticed that we have covered a lot of topics here on AFW, but I’m shocked–STUNNED, really–to find that Jenn and crew hate old people. At least, you’d think that they hate old people considering they never talk about them. I have been reading up on how to be a successful political pundit recently and I found that jumping to conclusions is a very successful

How to Become a Spam Commenter

A million years ago–and I swear that this is true–when I first started freelancing, I was a spam commenter. I actually had to come up with stupid things to say on every last little thing that someone posted, and I had to reach a certain quota or else I didn’t get paid. I was supposed to write 100 words (which, as I am attempting to

5 Awesome Made-Up Things About Freelancing

Jenn’s post on 5 Frightening Facts About the Freelance Life really put me in a bad mood, especially since I’m doing so much writing nowadays. In retaliation, here’s some stuff that’s completely untrue about freelancing that you probably never knew! You Can Get by with One Client That’s certainly what I did! I get paid a bazillion words to do a monthly column and I

Adventures Without Internet

As you may or may not have noticed, being the most popular and in-demand article-dude-guy here on AFW, I always update my posts on Wednesdays. There was more than likely a furor and an uproar when I didn’t post this week. I didn’t hear about it because my damn internet wasn’t damn working, but if I did, I would have found out on CNN that