E3 2010, Or "How To Win Loyalty And Influence Jealousy"

The 2010 Electronic Entertainment Expo has come and gone, and like every other year I didn't attend, it sucked like an orgy of riptides. They announced a ton of video games I want to play on consoles I want to own, but instead of getting MY opinion, I was passed over for "journalists". Here's a news flash, E3: a guy called "TheSpoonyOne" is NOT a journalist. You've got some loose restrictions to let HIM into E3. By that definition, my Optimus Prime figure should get in because he likes to read GamePro.

But I am a man, capable of compressing rage into a little ball for later use in a heart attack. That's why I've decided to take the high road. Even if you didn't attend E3, you can still apply lessons from the expo to your own writing. Who knows? Maybe you'll be able to deal with the pain of missing E3 more than I could. Me, I guess I'll just keep bottling my anger inside, like the genie from Aladdin if he was played by Vin Diesel.

  • Hype big projects. The conferences held by Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft used huge trailers to draw attention. But you don't need a big screen TV to ride your own hype wagon. If you've got something cool coming up, tell everyone about it. Talk about it in your blog posts, guest posts, the water bill...anywhere, really. Personally, I like to put links to my stuff on Twitter. Sometimes my entire profile is just link tweets to all my followers. And that's the point of Twitter, you know - friends connecting with each other, preferably over a cup of Matt.
  • Use exclusivity to get more attention. E3 is only open to professionals in the gaming industry. That's why the expo is so alluring - it feels like joining a secret club. Just imagine...these professionals get to play the new Zelda game and bitch about it before anyone else! That's the power of exclusivity. Internet marketers use this idea to get more sales - by creating a workshop that only takes a limited amount of members, they sell more spots because the workshop feels exclusive. Think about how you can do the same. How can YOU make an offer so special that people will buy spots, even though they cost as much as a dog kidney?
  • Get motivated to earn what you don't have. For me, this might be a good way to feel better about E3. Really, I'm not mad because I didn't get to go. I'm just mad that others went instead of me. Somehow they got the privilege to attend E3, and we all know I'm far more deserving of it than a guy who names himself after silverware. But it's okay - it's only convinced me to become more successful. Lusting after something you don't have will increase your motivation to earn it, no matter how much stress and unhappiness occurs as a result. Buddha said that suffering arises from desire. Feh! Suffering is a side effect of drive, and like many problems, can be cleared with recreational use of Tylenol.

In conclusion, Kirby's Epic Yarn is the stupidest name for a video game ever.

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Matt Willard's bio begins with witty phrasing that succinctly illustrates his stance as a humorist. It is then followed with a clever sentence that illustrates what he does in his spare time. The bio concludes with a shameless link to his Twitter profile, paired with an off-hand comment that alludes to his success with women. Laughter.

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