Is this story good? any suggestions for changes? (it's not done)

This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Jennifer Mattern April 10, 2017 at 5:07 am.

Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #34698

    owen
    Participant

    The Dead Days

    We were never really a normal family, nothing ever really went the way we wanted it to. Little did I know that would really prove its point in three days.

    Three days ago…

    I woke up early that day 5:30 to be exact, surprisingly I didn’t wake up my wife or kids. I half fell downstairs and out to the garage to start my bike and let it warm up. After that I went upstairs and packed myself a protein shake and baloney sandwich, tossed it in my bag and left to go to the gym. I knew the route like the back of my hand but I wanted to take a back road to do some wheelies. It was a old tar road that no one traveled besides my other friends that ride. I had plenty of experience since I had been riding from the time I was 16 and I am now 32 but I’m still clumsy. I pulled in the clutch and revved up the engine let the clutch out into a wheelie and held it from the old broken for sale sign to the telephone pole which is about a ¼ mile apart. I played around for another 20 minutes or so and then I actually went to the gym.

    I walked, in showed the lady my card then waddled over to a treadmill and worked out in the gym for about an hour (which I needed since I was getting a little chubby). I ate my brunch and headed to the seven eleven down the street to meet my friends and get some gas and a red bull. I had to interrupt the ride to go home and grab my gear. After that we rode out to an old neighborhood that was going to be built but due to budget cuts it was abandoned. The half built houses litter the streets, some houses remain with a window or two broken and a little water damage otherwise in decent condition.

    That’s probably our favorite place to ride since if it rains we can take cover from the rain under the house’s porch or garage. We raced around and did some stunts and I dumped my bike going around a sandy corner but I was fine. I wear pretty much everything you can wear since I prepare for the worst I wear a helmet,chest protector,jacket and pants with kevlar, riding boots, padded gloves and a lightweight impact vest that inflates almost immediately like an air bag. We road around town all day and it was getting late so I headed home. When I got home my wife left me the remains of dinner which was a cold cheese burger and 2 fries.

    End of day 1 sept 28

    I had to work for a big manufacturing company every other day it paid well but it was long and hard work. They were cutting down on the size of production so I had my hours cut and that’s why I began riding more. I’d head in at 6:00am and work till 8pm. I didn’t mind the the hours because making huge metal things is fun.

    End of day 2 Sept 29

    It was 6 in the morning and we needed eggs, so I hopped in the car and began to drive down the street. I went to the nearest market basket and got the eggs and whole bunch of other things that we didn’t need.So I hopped in the car ¾ full of food. A mile or so away from my house there were 2 figures running in the distance, one with a limp. it was foggy so I couldn’t see much I sped up as I approached them and as I was about to pass them when one figure shoved the one with a limp right in front of my car and I hit him dead on.

    “What the hell!” I yelled in panic as I jammed on the brakes and hopped out to see if they were still alive. I squatted down to see dark green skin and tattered clothing it grabbed me and REEETED “GET OFF ME” I yelled to the thing as I kicked it off me and at that moment I realized it was a zombie. As soon as I jumped away my car rolled right over the zombie because in the panic I forgot to put it in park. I jumped in the car and floored it to the other person I skidded to a stop and told him to get in, knowing he was safe. He hopped in the car and as soon as he did I said “what the heck was that”

    The man replied “there these things………..zombies I guess you could call em’. Guns dont do nothin’ unless ya’ blow their brains out. All I have is a 9mm I littered the zombie that was chasing me full with bullets but it didn’t die thankfully you came around”

    “Your welcome?” I said in a deeply confused voice. We sat in silence for a bit but then he finally broke it “where to now boss”

    “Well I guess we go to my house with my wife and kids and a extra room if you want to stay” I replied

    “Sure” he said.

    So we rode down the road to my house and warned my kids and wife about the zombie incident then barricaded the doors and windows and filled our truck full of food, tents, a welder, metal, spare parts, food, my bike and guns weapons so we could bolt tomorrow morning. We discussed the plan for tomorrow during lunch and decided to go down to the abandoned neighborhood where there’s less people. I gave my buddies a call and they said they’d had some encounters themselves so we decided to leave at six that night. We all met up at my house and souped up our trucks and made them just about zombie proof and we even added a couple mods to my bike.

    #34699

    owen
    Participant

    Sorry the format got messed up from google docs.

    #35145

    We were never really a normal family, nothing ever really went the way we wanted it to. Little did I know that would really prove its point in three days.

    I have a problem with your opening sentence. I don’t think it is bold enough. Just write, “We were never a normal family, and nothing went our way. In three days time, that point would be proven.” Or something similar. Eliminate adverbs like “really,” “actually,” and phrases like “pretty much. Your writing will take on a more concise, bold tone.

    You are missing some needed commas, or have them in the wrong places.

    You do a lot of “telling.” Instead of narrating like “I went here, and then there, showed this person that, etc,” describe these things.
    Example:

    “I walked into the gym that smelled like old socks and sweat and showed the receptionist my card. Her brow furrowed as she read my name, smiled, and handed it back to me. I waddled over to the treadmill, a little embarrassed of my gait since I’d gained a few pounds, and was now chubby. I worked out or an hour, and my muscles felt strained and shaky afterwards when I went to eat brunch.”

    Or something to that effect.

    I would advise against using “so” as a transition in a fictional story. It’s okay to use in essays or blog posts, but for creative writing works it’s detrimental. For your last sentence, just take out the “so” and start with “We.”

    I hope this helps. I just joined AllIndieWriters and haven’t really had a chance to get familiar with the interface. If you know how to PM I wouldn’t mind helping you more if you would like.

    #35154

    Jennifer Mattern
    Keymaster

    Good tips. 🙂

    I use a light forum platform here that doesn’t feature DMs unfortunately. But in the next round of updates I’ll see if there are add-ons for that functionality and, if so, I’ll test them and consider adding them here. 🙂

    Jennifer Mattern - Professional Blogger, Freelance Business Writer, Author

    Owns AllFreelanceWriting.com | Also blogs at: NakedPR.com & BizAmmo.com

Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

Thanks for sharing!
Tweet about this on TwitterGoogle+Share on FacebookPin on PinterestShare on LinkedIn