Freelance Fitness

Many of you may or may not know it, but I'm on a fitness kick right now. That means that I am interested in fitness, and it feels like I have been kicked right in the head. I hate things like exertion, so I'm not exactly what you'd call a jock. Sweat tends to scare me, as I do not trust when my body leaks coolant in an effort to reduce its temperature. When you think about it, that's just about the most terrifying, disgusting thing that we do.

I'm sorry. I have gotten distracted.

In any case, here are a few moves I've picked up that will help you stay fit. Feel free to do these as often as you like, unless you don't want to. I certainly don't.

The Craigslist Crawl

Get on your computer and hunch your back into an arc. Scrunch up your shoulders and keep your body tense. Now go on Craigslist and find only crappy jobs that have either a bad rate or ridiculous demands. Relax your shoulders. Repeat daily. Bonus tip: frowning and/or crying works out facial muscles during this exercise.

The Schedule Buster

Oops! You just forgot to write 10,000 words for a client and it's due tomorrow. Stand up. Go to the corner store and buy four Vanilla Frappuccinos. Stay up until 5 AM. Crash into your bed until 3 PM, then wake up and repeat. Be sure to stretch for this one. I find that I get wrist strain drinking caffeine if I don't do wrist exercises for strength.

The Rewrite Squat

Your client just sent you back something you have rewritten for her four times. She is still not happy! Stand up and do a squat, hands on your head as you tear out your hair in frustration. Stand back up, putting your hands at your sides. Repeat until you are balder than Britney Spears having a nervous breakdown. I find that this is great for your calves.

The Clint

I invented this move when I realized that I was not actually getting any exercise done. It is a very motivational move that can inspire you to exercise more. Take your mouse finger and use it to click on your address bar, then type in Google. Then use your weakest fingers to type out the name of someone from high school you hated. Search for them in Google, and spend the next five hours wasting time on the internet. Realize you have done no work for the day and run out the door to get a McRib sandwich. If there is no McRib sandwich in your area, you may substitute a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Take it easy with this move. It is highly advanced, and you can strain yourself.

What moves have you learned? Please share in the comments below!

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Clint Osterholz is a freelance writer who thinks he's awfully funny, and is surprisingly not a disappointment to his parents. You're always free to check out his portfolio if you'd like someone to be funny, or maybe write something a little more serious. Subscribe to my posts (only posts from this author).

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6 thoughts on “Freelance Fitness”

  1. Love the new look of the site.

    You have me LOL!!! Nice way to start the day. In fact, that just may be a new exercise -the Reader Ribaldry – exercise eyes and fingers while searching for the funny post. Upon finding one, excercise jaw with wide open guffaws and the occasional side-splitting laughter.

    Thanks for bringing a smile. 🙂

  2. Great advice! Some freelance writers do pack on the pounds. It’s a good idea to schedule in at least 20 minutes or more of exercise four to five times a week. It will make you stronger…

  3. The Well-Intentioned

    Leave yourself thirty minutes of “free” time in your work schedule for the evening so that you can hop on the treadmill or at least do a few crunches as a break in your routine. As that time approaches, realize that your “free” 30 minutes is much more valuable at the end of the evening when you can crash out any watch Holmes on Homes and think really hard about how you’ll try to exercise again tomorrow.

  4. Clint – your timing on this post was rather perfect. 🙂 As a freelancer who’s trying to lose weight myself, I’d already planned a new post series for this month. One post each month will involve exercises you can do (some are things you can do at your desk, and others will involve out of the home workouts that can still somehow be tailored to freelancers). The second post will involve an easy recipe — mostly snacks that WAH types can keep on-hand when they get the munchies instead of running to the freezer for the ice cream or settling on “boring” foods (throw some celery at me and watch where I stick it — I hate dull things, food included).

    I was planning to bring in a new team member, but since I’ll be working on weight loss myself I think it’s something I’ll cover personally — share some personal anecdotes in the process. The posts will be every other Saturday — first Saturday in the month will be a workout post and the 3rd will be a recipe.

    So yeah… good timing. Normally you have a heads up when I’m about to launch something, but this time you must have been reading my mind. 🙂


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