Summer is in full swing, and according to the television, that means two things.
1. OH MY GOD THERE ARE SO MANY DAMN BUGS OUTSIDE. QUICK, PUT ON THIS GOOP THAT SMELLS LIKE WEED KILLER, IT'S THEIR ONLY WEAKNESS.
2. OH MY GOD YOU ARE FATTER THAN TWO HUNDRED BUILDINGS. QUICK, START EXERCISING AND USE STUPID DIET PROGRAMS, FAT CANNOT BE RATIONALIZED WITH.
That's why it's called "summer", which is Celtic for "The Year Is Ruined". Everything tends to go wrong from June to August, which happens to be when children are out of school. I would read into this more deeply, but this is a freelance writing column. For this kind of paycheck, you're lucky if I do any research beyond rolling a die to see how many facts I need to make up.
Anyway, since we're already knee deep into summer, you might as well start preparing for next year's disaster. Adopting the right strategy now could mean the difference between a summer blockbuster or a box office bomb. Then again, with Twilight in theaters right now, you could seperate them by the Pacific Ocean and you'd still confuse the two.
- Start getting active and work your way up. Not all of us freelancers are fit. Me included. That's why I've been using a philosophy called "kaizen" to change that. Kaizen is based on small improvements over time, and if you've been having trouble using those meat sticks we call legs, this can help. For one week, get up and walk, run, or dance for one minute a day. The next week, go for two. Keep adding minutes and voila! Exercise program in a box. This won't slice off pounds right away, but it's better than the other option. I don't care how good it sounds. "New Weight Loss Setting" is not something you should be allowed to print on a blender.
- Try working outside for a change. A change of location can be a good way to spice up your work. So pack up your laptop and step outside. Not to your car - we ain't headed to Starbucks, we're headed to the original cafe opened by Mother Nature after her last son went to college. Try working on your porch, at the park, or even the beach. The sun bakes the earth every day, but if you face it head on, you've got nothing to fear. Even better - stay out long enough and you'll reach a delicious golden brown. Perfect for a party of 20, if Cool Whip is on standby.
- Invest in a quality bug zapper. As the superior species, we humans have used our advanced brains to create a variety of ways to kill things we hate. And if you're working outside, you don't have time to smack every little bug that swings your way. Purify these creatures in warrior priest fashion. Use a zapper and make the little hellions pay. Now if only there was a setting for "Dennis the Menace".
Don't let summer defeat you. Save all of your strength for winter, who likes to finish off his opponents with something he calls a "Brass Knuckle Social".