How to Become a Craigslist Ad-Posting Perv

We post an awful lot of career advice here on AFW. I'm not sure if you've been keeping track of everything going here, but we have everything from tax advice to job leads to different types of writing you can do on a weekly basis. It's a lot of work, but we love to do it. At least, I do. I can't speak for Yolander, and frankly if I were her, I'd quit. I spent way too much time as a baby freelancer wasting my time on various bid and random gig sites. That, and I want to have her name.

Yo-LAN-der. So cool.

Anyway. I'm afraid that we've done you a disservice. Although you have come to this blog for a great number of articles on various writing markets and professions, there's one we skipped. Inexcusably, in my estimation. That would be the profession of being a Craigslist advertisement perv.

Now yesterday I may have posted the following:

Do you have a vivid, extraordinary erotic imagination? Are you prepared to share it, extemporaneously, with a generous, good-looking gentleman? This is NOT an ad for sex, but for a titillating encounter, or series of encounters, in which you share your dirtiest fantasies with a respectful and polite guy.

I even went so far as to deride this posting as being unproductive and one of the worst job postings I've ever seen, but now I see its brilliance. The man (let's be honest--no woman would ever do this) is actually a genius. Sure, you could post something asking for steamy erotica in the services section of Craigslist, but we should get real here: escorts and prostitutes do their job for a reason, and it isn't because they're English majors. So good on him for posting his job in the appropriate section. After all, the adjective turgid was practically invented for harlequin romance.
In honor of this dude's moxie, I put together a guide for you. This is how to become a Craigslist ad perv in just three easy steps. It doesn't pay, and you'll be shunned by many people. But do you know what? It's a living. Or at least it is a way to clutter up the jobs section of Craigslist even further with pointless junk. And isn't that doing something?
  1. Have no shame. This one should be a no-brainer. Why else would you ask for someone to do this for you, especially in a job section of a well-known website? The squeaky wheel gets the grease, or in this case, a lot of free porn. Or at least the potential to get a lot of free porn, assuming that Jenn doesn't track down your IP and brain you senseless for wasting her time.
  2. Throw out big words. This will trick prospective people into thinking that you're actually someone with an iota of class. Many well-known pornographers have been known to do this. In fact, I think it's the sole reason that fancy fonts were even invented. It fools people who don't know better into thinking that there is some modicum of propriety.
  3. Define yourself and don't let the audience define you. Sure, people might call you an inappropriate boob for posting something stupid like this, but that doesn't matter. You have already told everyone that you're a respectful guy. How could you be disrespectful if you clearly don't identify as such? It doesn't even matter if you truly don't even grasp the concept of respect. The less you know, actually, the better off you are. Maintain your position that this is totally harmless and hey, you're just a guy who asks for something with little more than the expectation and the hope to receive. Who cares if your request is skeezy and even looked down upon by Ron Jeremy?

Best of luck to you out there. I look forward to seeing the new and slimy ways you all plan on choking up Craigslist with inappropriate requests!

Disclaimer: Do not listen to the humorist. Do not take the humorist seriously. The humorist will not be held responsible for anything you decide to do despite the clear use of sarcasm HTML tags.

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Clint Osterholz is a freelance writer who thinks he's awfully funny, and is surprisingly not a disappointment to his parents. You're always free to check out his portfolio if you'd like someone to be funny, or maybe write something a little more serious. Subscribe to my posts (only posts from this author).

7 thoughts on “How to Become a Craigslist Ad-Posting Perv”

  1. Actually, there’s great writing advice in here (and you thought your tongue was firmly planted in cheek, didn’t you?). Have no shame – be frank with your clients for their own good. Okay, bit of a stretch from asking for free porn, but good advice nonetheless.

    Throw out big words. See, I took this one literally. Throw them out. Don’t use them – can them.

    Define yourself. LOVE this. Don’t let your clients define your business or business model. You should be doing that.

    I bet you had no idea you were this brilliant, Clint. 🙂

    BTW, I’m still pondering the juxtaposition of the “dirtiest fantasies” with the words “respectful and polite guy.”

    Craig’s List is an education in human nature, isn’t it?

    Reply
  2. CLINT!! You have no idea! Some weeks I want to jab myself in the eyeball with something soft and round just so it takes a while, some weeks all the work I put into something ends in rejection (think Digital Point) so I think, “Wow, I can’t even make it as a regressed newbie” and some weeks I just don’t have the energy. Last week I couldn’t make the time to try any markets so instead I challenged myths. This week I’ve got a market though… sort of…

    As for the name, you can have it, no one ever says it right anyway 🙂

    Lastly, who the hell wants to share fantasies with someone respectful and polite?

    Reply
  3. Lori–yes, it was a bit sneaky of me to slip in a bit of REAL advice in with the fake stuff. I look forward to some of your future pervy Craigslist articles.

    Yolander–OH MY GOD. I remember when I was first starting out and Demand Studios rejected me. I felt like the world’s worst writer. NOW I HAVE TWO COMMENTS ON A BLOG! That’ll teach them.

    Reply
  4. What’s with the stupid paragraph break problem in the middle of this post?? I fixed it and it still reverts back to mashing the paragraphs together. You’re making it do that on purpose just to annoy me aren’t you? 😛

    And I normally reserve the IP and other tracking for our little trolls here (it’s funny when people think using proxies means I can’t track down who they are — tech neophytes). I don’t think I have the time to track down and brain the pervs of the world too.

    Reply

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