A million years ago–and I swear that this is true–when I first started freelancing, I was a spam commenter. I actually had to come up with stupid things to say on every last little thing that someone posted, and I had to reach a certain quota or else I didn't get paid. I was supposed to write 100 words (which, as I am attempting to demonstrate with this paragraph, is really freaking hard unless I put in a bunch of filler words like bunch, filler, and words) and make sure that my comments were 'pertinent'. Well, how do you write pertinent information?
Here are a few tips:
- Develop a standard boilerplate response so that you can type out pretty much any old thing in response to something that someone said. Think of faint praise–after all, people are vain, and you can come off as awfully nice by saying that they wrote a really nice post. Just be sure to skim the post first. Nothing's worse than being on some cancer survival blog and telling someone that their tale of chemotherapy was really funny. Well, unless it was.
- Kill whatever self-respect you may have had. It will stand in your way of success.
- Indiscriminately post on any blog that you feel like. Your employer is clearly dumb enough to think that spamming is effective, so take advantage of that and spread the love as far and as wide as you can. Is your blog about luxury goods in Latvia? That shouldn't stop you from posting on a multiracial Brooklyn organic-obsessed mommy blog. She might be into impulse trips to Eastern European countries, after all!
- Learn filler phrases. The vast majority of the content of any post is pretty much crap. If someone's skimming, you could type out the entire lyrics to the Meow Mix theme and no one would notice: meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. This is also known as the Lady Gaga method. Do not shy away from rah rah ah ah ah ahs or roma romamas.
- Get a new bank account because you won't know what to do with your abysmally low pay!
- Learn some non sequiturs too. Sometimes you can just say any old thing and people will STILL approve the comment and STILL click through. I do not for the life of me understand why, but then, it isn't my job to understand human nature. That is why I am a humor writer.
If you have any tips to spam commenting, please leave them below. In fact, spam me below.