When you're a creative type like me–and you aren't, so I don't know why you're reading this article, but that's okay, I can't really talk you out of it and you never listen to me anymore–you have to keep the creative juices flowing. Now that I've grossed you out with that visual, I guess that creativity is really more like a tube of toothpaste. You squeeze it out in pea-shaped gobbets and then it...gross. This is just so goddamn gross. First I'm talking about creative juice, which sounds like a euphemism for you-know-what (orange juice), and then I'm going on about dental hygiene. Let me start afresh.

Okay, so creativity is actually like a fickle three-year-old and you've got a house full of Brussels sprouts and that poor child is going to starve unless you figure out a way to get him to work with you. I'm not being sexist, by the way, by referring to the three-year-old in this hypothetical scenario as a boy because little boys are total jerks. Little girls listen and do what you ask of them, but little boys are just the worst. And I should know, I was one. But in any case, creativity is not a faucet you can turn on and off. I think that the euphemism juice, in addition to being just ugh oh god it is just so nasty to talk about it that way, implies that somehow you can get into a flow.

I do not experience flow. My flow is more like LA traffic at rush hour when there's an overturned truck full of angry bees, and the cops are all on strike and their replacements all forgot their epipens.

Creativity comes in stops and starts. You have to just start typing, really. If you're stuck, go take a walk. It's more than likely that you're failing to feel inspired because nothing is inspiring you. Honestly, I watch TV to get half my ideas. I'm not grifting them–they just help me write better jokes because I have a frame of reference. I'm a comedian, and therefore weird, off-putting, and incapable of relating to people normally. I have to use this teevee device to help me understand what normal people find interesting and funny because I find the weirdest crap funny and interesting that no one does. That's what makes me funny to begin with. Technically, that's what makes you funny too, if you're ever interested in being funny. That's the nutshell of comedy, essentially: being socially retarded or close enough to it.

Here are a few other things I wrote down to help you regain inspiration.

  • Stop being uninspired.
  • Um...

Let me know what you think in the comments below!