Jokes I Can't Do in Standup

I hate being a writer sometimes. I hate it because it screws with my head. I hate that I can be funny, but only in that long, drawn out way that only writers can be funny. My dream career is performing standup full time, and I'm miles from making that happen because I keep writing these damn jokes that are funny but ONLY if you read them.

I'd rather not waste them because they're good, solid jokes. They're jokes that make people guffaw (if they read them) and even I catch myself laughing aloud at them. So rather than let them go to waste, here is a list of them. It is far from comprehensive, and it's really more a way for me to vent some stuff I have wanted to vent for awhile. I hope that you enjoy them. If you don't, I really don't have to feel the crushing embarrassment of bombing. I guess I love being a writer sometimes.

  • I'm not sure if Donuts Unlimited is going to be able to deliver on its promise.
  • McDonald's, your Chicken McNuggets are not supposed to be made WITH white meat. They are supposed to be made OF white meat.
  • The best thing in the world you can be is a father. Or an astronaut. A pirate-astronaut.
  • Some people hit 35 but most people, well, 35 hits them. And it makes them fat and ugly.
  • Why do paper towel commercials try to convince us that mothers who stay at home are more patient than Gandhi instead of yelling at their kids like a normal mom?
  • When I'm watching violent movies on TV, the last thing I want to hear is cursing. Kids might be watching.
  • Coffee: For people who want brown teeth without all the good fresh breath smell!
  • Basically you make a new person completely by accident and the first thing they make you do is tell them what they should call it. Under stress, no one makes good decisions which is why boys are named Aiden with a y.
  • I hate that guy at parties who talks about his latest gadgets. And these guys have been around forever. I'm sure that in the 1600s, there was some asshole going, "oh yeah, look at this. It's called a watch. I don't have to listen for the gong anymore."
  • I know a guy who quotes funny movies and calls himself funny. I read from medical textbooks and call myself a doctor.
  • Yeah, I wanna be a dad. I love giving money to people who hate me.
  • Today's forecast is hot and sunny, with a 90% chance of complaining and inexplicable surprise that summer tends to be hot.
  • The part I hate most about childbirth is finding a baboon who'll anoint your child's head and hoist him high above a crowd of genuflecting exotic animals.
  • Why do people ask the waiter's opinion on dishes? That's essentially asking the waiter to find the most expensive thing on the menu for you.
  • You know what's great is those Word-A-Day Calendars. That way you can appear literate without having to actually read.
  • Hummer limos are a great way to spend a lot of money to show that you don't know how to spend a lot of money.
  • My dad has a double wide trailer, so you can tell he's like a really rich redneck.
  • I love talking to passive-aggressive people. It's like playing 20 questions with a mime.
  • YouTube, you are like visiting a friend from high school who never left home: instantly recognizable and familiar, but in an intensely depressing way.
  • When I die, I don't want you guys to make a big deal out of things. Just agree to be buried alive in my pyramid.
  • Why does the snooze button on alarm clocks even exist? Has anyone ever said, "Ah, man! That extra five minutes of sleep made all the difference in the world!"

Please leave your comments below, especially if this sucked! No, wait, don't. I can't handle it.

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Clint Osterholz is a freelance writer who thinks he's awfully funny, and is surprisingly not a disappointment to his parents. You're always free to check out his portfolio if you'd like someone to be funny, or maybe write something a little more serious. Subscribe to my posts (only posts from this author).

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11 thoughts on “Jokes I Can't Do in Standup”

  1. Hummer limos aren’t something that you’d see in my area. If you did, it would have a snow blade attached to the front. Our city snow plow happens to be an old-style hummer truck with a snow blade attached. It works great. The limo would probably get stuck, though.

  2. I had a reply that would have been funny in real life, but I saved it because, for some reason, I’m not funny on the internet. And that made me wonder, which is a worse response, a blank stare or a stale comeback?


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