Don't you just love Thanksgiving-related puns? I certainly do. I think that one of the best things you can do when you write is create a bunch of tired analogues to seasonal holiday traditions and discuss them ad nauseum! So not to be a turkey but this post is going to be for the birds...AND THE PILGRIMS!
No, I'm sorry. I really don't want to punish everyone. Instead, let me be sincere by saying that I am very grateful to be here a year later (a year! That's like three hundred generations of fruit flies who have lived and died) and tell you all that I'm deeply flattered and eternally stunned by your readership. For whatever reason, I produce these goofy-ass posts and you guys really like what I write. For the most part. So I want to thank you all for reading what I do because I'm amazed that people find me funny at all.
On that note, I should probably start being funny again for Thanksgiving or else you will hate me. Then I'll become an embittered gravy-drinking husk of a man who has to scream dictation to his laptop instead of actually typing. I'll balloon up to 800 pounds and have to be cut out of my living room–as well as my couch–just so I can haul my tubby butt to Arby's for ten thousand Beef and Cheddars. I'll spiral into depression, then get on The Biggest Loser (at that point I'd be a shoo-in) to go from obese to fat. I'll change my life completely, and then become a spokesperson for Subway and Jenny-O Simulated Chicken Cutlets and all manner of Diet Colas.
Wait a minute. Why the hell am I trying to be funny? That sounds pretty frickin' sweet. Peace out, suckers.
...it turns out that it's really hard to gain 800 pounds. Also, I'm sick from eating an entire bucket of fried turkey complete with deep fried mashed potato balls. Can you ever forgive me?
Of course you can. It's Thanksgiving. Merry Thanksgiving, everyone.