Worst Freelance Writing Job Ever

I guess after a title like that, I can't really lead up to anything. What can I say? This is the worst job posting I have ever seen. It's so damn bad, I asked Jenn if we could make it into its own post. Or maybe Jenn said this had to be its own post. I usually remember things so that I can take credit, I am going to take it down, piece by piece, blow by blow, MST3k-style. Yep, this is the first ever freelance writing Mystery Science Theater 3000 takedown of a crappy job. I wish myself luck and sarcasm. He's in italics. I'm in bold.

Hello, and thank you for applying for the Client Bidding Specialist position!

Hi there! And thank you for making up a title that sounds really important! It will look good on my online resume.

**** ***, Inc. is an independent media company which offers literary coaching, publishing services, written content and media publications. Since we?re always expanding our business, we are currently hiring client bidding specialists for our written content generation division.

This sounds great! Question–do you use your own services? Because if so, you guys missed a serious apostrophe.

In our division of content generation, we currently employ a staff of 10 highly qualified writers, who can produce a large quantity of articles in a short time. Our current production average is of 800 to 1600 original written pieces per month. These works pass through a thorough screening process, so our clients will receive the best of what they?re paying for. In fact, our margin of error has been less than 97% in 2009 alone.

Impressive! That means that you were correct almost 3% of the time.

What we need now is to develop a team of client bidding specialists who will be responsible for obtaining new business for our team, helping us expand our operations, and generating more revenue for future investments. Each client specialist will be responsible for finding business leads, contacting them, negotiating and getting new contracts for single or ongoing projects.

Oh man! Cold calling! You guys know how much I love that. I just squirted a little pee, actually. And I am gonna do cold calling for SOMEONE ELSE? Shut up. Just shut up. I will sign whatever you want me to sign RIGHT. NOW.

Now, the content writing market has a wide range of projects, with their wide range of prices.

THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW GOOD THEIR WRITING IS!!!! I cannot wait to start!!

So, what we need to focus on is in securing a specific type of niche, which is SEO writing projects. Those are 300-600 word articles, whose prices range from 6 to 12 USD per piece. That is the core of our business: volume.

Man. You know who else's core business is volume? Walmart. And everyone loves them. Everyone.

While finding higher paying rates for articles tends to be good business, we could always try to pursue those; but we want to focus on volume first.

Yeah, you could try hard, but then, what is the point of trying hard when you can just give up?

So, as to compensation, we are ready to pay you USD$1 per article, per project secured, for as long as that project lasts. If it?s an ongoing project, you?re assured a steady income for as long as that business relationship lasts with our client.

That is very magnanimous of you to let me get paid while I work for you! And to think I assumed that this was on a volunteer basis! I am going to get PAID for cold calling!

For example, if you secure us a project for 300 articles, you?ll end up cashing in USD$300.00. No questions asked. If that business relationship is ongoing, you?ll be pocketing that amount (or any other agreed amount), until the relationship expires.

SERIOUSLY? Money the entire time? Whence came thou, heavenly angel-employer? And what has this wretch done to deserve you?

The idea is for you to be the liaison between us and the client, representing us, answering all their questions, and assuring that their needs will be met. You will create and manage client accounts accordingly, and will report the status of each account directly to me. As well, you will receive each of our clients? assignments, and resend them to our editorial staff, whom will work on those, turn them in, and hand them back to you for you to submit to our client, on the specified deadline.

You mean that in addition to making cold calls, I am going to be doing client management?! That's even better! Why would I ever bother writing when I can talk to a client and answer questions?? That's like my favorite part of the job!

In order to find and contact these clients, you will be provided with access to job markets, with a username and password. As well, you will be assigned a specific email account for you to work with. However, you will also need to find business leads from a list of websites we?ll be providing. You?re encouraged to expand your resource list if you deem it necessary or useful.

I like that you give me the right to do things. It makes me feel like I'm powerful.

We?ll also provide you with our company resume, personal resume, written samples, cover letters and other data required by our clients.

I don't have to rewrite it on the spot every single time? What madness is this!?

We require that every Client Bidding Specialist contact at least ten businesses per day, sending us a hidden copy of each email to me. This task is as easy as a copy + paste operation, and shouldn?t take more than 45 minutes a day. Whenever a business lead replies, you?re required to respond to their questions and send forward said correspondence to me.

This is so much easier than BCCing, and an unnecessary step in working with you! I think I appreciate your old-fashioned and inefficient way to the preferred way, sir.

Payments will be done via Paypal. If you have a problem with said method of payment, please let me know as soon as possible to make the necessary arrangements.

I was hoping you'd pay me in Marlboro Bucks but I'll take money.

Since we?re on the first stages in creating this team, I?ll first need you to pass through a simple evaluation. This consists two things:

1. Finding ten business leads.

2. Developing a cover letter of our services.

Whoa! I get to work before getting paid. I love tests like this because I spend my valuable time doing work for someone else without getting any compensation for it. Aside from the satisfaction of a job well done, of COURSE.

The criteria for the business leads are:

- 300 to 600 word SEO articles

- Projects of no less than 50 articles

- Price per article should NOT be below USD$6, but the recommended price is USD$10. If asked to give a price, post USD$10 as a reference for 500 words.

Anything I can do for free to ensure that you make thousands of dollars, I will.

You have 24 hours to submit your leads and cover letter. You?ll find a list of websites below, where you?ll be able to look for business leads.

Oh my god. Does that mean that this email will self-destruct after two minutes? Because with an unrealistic timeline like that, I was hoping that it would be like a Mission: Impossible sort of thing. Oh it's just a really horrible job posting? Never mind. I got excited there for a second.

Have a great day, and good luck. ?Manuel

Back at ya.

Wait a second, that wasn't even about writing at all, was it? What the hell is this guy doing posting jobs on freelance WRITING sites then?

Questions? Comments? Leave 'em below.

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Clint Osterholz is a freelance writer who thinks he's awfully funny, and is surprisingly not a disappointment to his parents. You're always free to check out his portfolio if you'd like someone to be funny, or maybe write something a little more serious. Subscribe to my posts (only posts from this author).

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22 thoughts on “Worst Freelance Writing Job Ever”

  1. a) was this posting for real?

    b) your commentary is hilarious.

    c) I’m honestly struggling to believe someone would think this was a viable business choice.

    Reply
    • A) Yes. Surprisingly.

      B) Thank you.

      C) I am too. I am really hoping that no one actually took that horrible, horrible bait.

      Reply
  2. I liked the part about “No questions asked.” Like we would dream up something illegal to get these great clients for this guy…Maybe lie or something…

    Reply
    • Well, my bi-monthly humor postings could easily be converted to a weekly worst job of the week shred fest. I feel like I never get the chance to properly tear a new asshole for fear of having too long a job posting article. Just sayin’!

      Reply
  3. Obviously, they also do not know the uses of “that” and “which”. Sure, I’d work for a bunch of semi-literate ignoramuses. Then you could spend my days explaining every tiny detail of my efforts. Not to mention correcting and explaining the trash they write. Oh yeah, I can barely contain my excitement!

    Reply
  4. I almost snorted Hawaiian Punch out of my nose while reading this. I love how you get to work your ass off servicing these clients and their 50+ article accounts for your measly $1. I also became dangerously excited about negotiating good rates for some *other* writers, while never breaching that $1 ceiling. And I don’t even have to write anything! This is wonderful.

    Reply
  5. Freaking hilarious. I deal with stupidity like Manuel’s posts in my search for gigs all the time. People trying to act like I’m filipino or something.

    Reply
  6. I was pretty skeptical at reading the title of this post. Worst writing job EVAR? Could it really live up to that?

    And the answer is yes. Yes it does. Horrible and hilarious all wrapped up in one. Great work!

    Reply
  7. Hilarious posting – and so lovely to read your replies, ridiculing these scheisters…. ah makes me proud to be a writer.

    Reply

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