NEW: Sign up to get freelance writing jobs in your inbox. SUBSCRIBE

Worst Job Posting Ever Contest

Read Time: 2 min

Jenn has generously informed me that I forgot to post my humor article last week. I'm sorry, but I was too busy forgetting to do other things to remember. I owe you all a comedy post, so here goes. What I am going to do is write the worst job posting ever. What you have to do is beat what I just wrote. I want you to scour Craigslist, Elance, and anywhere else you can think of to find something worse than what I've done. Good luck.

Do you like to write academic papers? How about articles about celebrities/ how about both? now you can! You can write academic papers about Angelina Jolie and we will pay you to do it!111

This is a really important thing though: you must have good SEO on all of these papers. You need to incorporate the following keywords: real estate markets, hannah montanna, financial crisis, oil leak gulf of mexico, paris hilton new sex tape.

Here is how you apply! you have to make a wordpress blog with custom content. what you need to do is write a few sample articles for us (minimum 1,000 words please--we need to see how good you can write!) and then get a lot of traffic on that blog. when you have reached somewhere around 5,000 visitors per day with over 20,000 pageviews on average then you can work for us. we will be selecting winners in a lottery

when you start working with us, you will not be paid at first because we ned to see what you can do! so you will be working for tips instead. you need to share tips with us--10% for the kitchen, 5% for the bar. my new kitchen and bar, I mean. I want to do some drinking and cooking.

once you have proven yourself you will work at a generous rate of $5 per 1,000-word article. all content will be checked for accuracy both with grammer and spleling. we will also check to make sure there is no plagiarism, and all ideas you have must be totally unique. 100%. if I can find similarities via Joseph Campbell's seminal work, The Hero with a Thousand Faces, you will not be paid and I will keep your work and administer a slight electric shock via your keyboard.

i look forward to your contributions. deadline is noon today. hurry!

Top THAT, readers. Leave 'em in the comments. I'll pick the best one next week. You will win nothing. But at least I'm honest about it.

Latest posts by Clint Osterholz (see all)

13 thoughts on “Worst Job Posting Ever Contest”

  1. I just used this Craigslist ad this morning to give a laugh to a Freelance Writer who needed a pick me up. I omitted some of it, but here’s the gist of it.

    Must love beer, be funny, and write well. (Chicago)

    Do you enjoy a variety of beers? Do you understand the beer brewing process and history? Are you funny before, during, and after drinks? Then maybe you’d be interested in writing some of this for a larger audience. If so, we’d love to hear from you.

    We’re looking for serious inquiries to fill the role of head writer of a new blog/newsletter about…beer. We’ve got a very valuable URL and experience building large, passionate, nad valuable audiences.

    If interested, please send writing sample, resume, and a statement about why this is your dream role.

    * Location: Chicago
    * Compensation: Cash & equity

    The research alone should be a lot of fun, at least for awhile anyway. The next morning might be full of regrets, though.

    Reply
  2. Ugh, this ad seems to want to skip hiring individual professionals and just find someone to do all the work for them. Not to say some people aren’t qualified to do this, but more likely a couple people should handle this:
    Looking for someone to help provide content for a community website.

    Some design, but mostly providing raw content, photos, and help with promotion.

    I have the domain, hosting, and programming, need someone with some graphics experience and understanding of CSS and HTML.

    Tasks:
    * Contact community groups and businesses to collect content, photos and update calendars with event information.
    for example, sporting events, links to websites for schools, churches, and other organizations.

    * Provide photos of local events.

    * Contact local businesses for advertising and sponsorship.

    * Update web portal with content graphics, content, and photos.

    * Provide input on improving overall website.

    You must live in Oahu. Reply to the ad to discuss the details. You will be asked to submit a proposal.

    On the plus side, for compensation they want a proposal. So maybe they’ll pay the worth of all those services.

    Reply
  3. I saw this one the other day under NY Writing Gigs. There is so, so, so much wrong here I cannot even begin:

    Female to take Notes of Meeting
    from craigslist | writing gigs in new york city
    Need Female freelancer to take notes and provide marketing assistance during business meetings / presentations.

    Organized, business attire, good learner with much room for opportunity our previous girl is moving – we need a replacement.

    Send resume, phone number, state if your available this week, and a photo at your choice (sry no time left for inperson interviews).

    Pay starts at $9 per hour

    Reply
  4. Kathy Kehrli over at Screw You! posts piles of crap jobs pretty regularly. This one she found was particularly heinous:

    Write for us! (UK)

    ——————————————————————————–
    Date: 2010-04-06, 6:24PM BST
    Reply to: job-wdpsf-1679106788@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

    ——————————————————————————–

    Hi guys,

    I need some excellent copywriters but I can’t afford to pay you or anything crazy like that, so I’d like you to work for free to help set up the business that’ll make me rich. At this point, we’ll *definitely* pay you, or give you credit, or something.
    You must submit a minimum amount of work, be in contact 24/7 and give up all rights to your writing.

    Also I’d like someone to do my tax returns. Again I cannot afford to pay you but I’ll make sure your name goes on the bottom of it.

    (p.s: This could definitely/possibly lead to regular work in higher paid markets, where you can earn up to £0.30 per 20,000 word article!)

    Reply
  5. Lori, I got a kick out of that when Kathy posted it. There’s nothing like having your name on the bottom of someone else’s tax form. Whoo Hoo!

    Reply
  6. Here’s one I found years ago. They pay in cookies!

    adies: You write, we send you hommade cookies!
    Reply to: gigs-305506910@craigslist.org
    Date: 2007-04-03, 3:39PM CDT

    I’m the editor of a PussycatMagazine.com: The Guide to Fabulous Living. We are an online zine for sassy ladies, and we’re looking for new ladies to share their true stories on topics such as pop culture, decorating, love, jobs and money, etc.

    We’re a how-to guide for (retro-obsessed) people who want to live well without a lot of money.

    We’re also looking for ladies with decorating flair to share digital photos of their swank pads for our retro decorating section. We need crafty ladies too, to share how-tos and patterns for retro crafts, knitting, crocheting, sewing, and all that good stuff.

    All published writers receive a dozen cookies, homemade by our staff and a Pussycat fun pack with a T-shirt and stickers.

    Check us out at http://www.PussycatMagazine.com

    Thanks

    Reply
  7. I can’t believe no one has posted this one yet. Found on Craigslist.

    WRITER FOR STORY OM MY HORRIFIC DIVORCE (SAN LUIS OBISPO CA)

    ——————————————————————————–
    Date: 2010-05-21, 8:49AM CDT
    Reply to: job-5wr9g-1751985548@craigslist.org

    ——————————————————————————–

    I am looking for a writer to do an article on my divorce. I have had two brain surgeries, 26 years ago; suffer from very severe bipolar depression for 24 years. Have taken over 80,000 pills to control my depression. Was not able to work for 12 years spending 18 hours per day in bed. I have many problems with my back, arms numbness in my hands. Will require hip surgery, back surgery, right arm surgery and surgery to try to restore feeling in my left hand.
    The judge forced me to close a very successful business, sell two investments homes at a lost; he is requiring me to go back to the work that I was involved in. I was a successful contractor. I am now 60 years old. I have spent all my savings of $200,000 in legal fees. I am presently $500,000 in debt.
    I have been put in jail for two weeks by false accusations. Put into a mental facility several times do my severe depression and the stresses of the divorce.
    The court wants me to pay alimony to my wife while she is earning $ 50,000 per year with full medical benefits.
    I have problems walking do my degenerating hips. I am not insured to have all these procedure done. My wife’s attorney has filed a civil suit to pressure me to settle for less in my divorce case. My present home is in foreclosure. I cannot defend myself on the civil suit. All of my final assets will be taken. I am now planning to live in my truck. I am borrowing from my family and friends to live.
    This is just a small portion of my 2 year divorce nightmare. If you are interested in doing an article on my situation I would be forever grateful. I will pay for your services
    Thank you.

    Reply
  8. Found this one on craigslist this morning… Yikes!

    I am looking for a writer to do an article on my divorce. I have had two brain surgeries, 26 years ago; suffer from very severe bipolar depression for 24 years. Have taken over 80,000 pills to control my depression. Was not able to work for 12 years spending 18 hours per day in bed. I have many problems with my back, arms numbness in my hands. Will require hip surgery, back surgery, right arm surgery and surgery to try to restore feeling in my left hand.
    The judge forced me to close a very successful business, sell two investments homes at a lost; he is requiring me to go back to the work that I was involved in. I was a successful contractor. I am now 60 years old. I have spent all my savings of $200,000 in legal fees. At present I am $ 500,000 in debt.
    I have been put in jail for two weeks by false accusations. Put into a mental facility several times do my severe depression and the stresses of the divorce.
    The court wants me to pay alimony to my wife while she is earning $ 50,000 per year with full medical benefits.
    I have problems walking do my degenerating hips. I am not insured to have all these procedure done. My wife’s attorney has filed a civil suit to pressure me to settle for less in my divorce case. My present home is in foreclosure. I cannot defend myself on the civil suit. All of my final assets will be taken. I am now planning to live in my truck. I am borrowing from my family and friends to live.
    This is just a small portion of my 2 year divorce nightmare. If you are interested in doing an article on my situation I would be forever grateful. I will pay for your services
    Thank you.

    Reply

Leave a Comment