Good morning my little fiends, how are you today? Well, however you were doing, you're about to get doing better (huh?) because I’ve decided that it’s high time for all of us to come out of the hellfire and acknowledge just how much like Satan we freelance writers are. Yes, we freelance writers have much in common with that red horned, fork-tailed devil. Don’t act like you’re surprised—I think you’ve known it all along. Consider this:
- Freelancer writers are rebels: Rebelling against God got Satan thrown out of heaven and into his own domain---known as Hell. Rebelling against a traditional workplace got us all thrown out of the office and into the driver’s seat of our own business, which really does sometimes feel like Hell. No, not often, but you know as well as I do that there are days... . Like Satan, we are natural born rebels—albeit slightly less evil ones.
- Freelance writers tempt everyone with the apples of success, independence and no dress codes: Freelancers are temptation personified. With our free-wheeling schedule, our independent attitude and our total control over our destinies we paint a damn fine picture of life and that tempts everyone around us. And as if our tempting lives weren't enough, we all spend extra time developing blogs and e-books that encourage others to go for the freelancing lifestyle. Evil boys and girls, just plain evil. And don't even get me started on the evil temptation work completed by you freelance copywriters. Now that's just wrong.
- Freelance writers can take human or animal form: Okay, maybe not literally, but have you ever heard the cat-like noises I make when a client doesn’t pay me on time? I snarl, hiss, screech and I swear my teeth grow a little longer and pointier. When clients are nice and give good feedback, we all practically purr. And when we market ourselves, we become stubborn bulls. There are all kinds of animal shapes we take each day.
- Freelance writers possess others: As ghostwriters we spend much of our days taking the form of other humans. We may not possess their bodies, but we sure do take on a little piece of their soul and attempt to sound like them in our writing.
- Freelance writers work magic: Satan can do lots of really cool (although evil) things with magic manipulation. You and I might not cast spells or recite lyrics to Black Sabbath songs while stirring up some eye of newt, but we do wonderful things with words in very short periods of time. That, my friends, is magic.
- People worship us: Oh, c’mon. Tell me you haven’t gotten an email, Twitter message, LinkedIn note, blog comment or Facebook wall post from a new freelancer who thinks that you are a God. Sure this worship is based on only knowing what you present to the world and hiding the fact that you have to feast on Ramen noodles when you are between clients, but it is worship nonetheless. These folks want to glom on to our alternative lifestyle the same way Satan worshipers want to glom on to Satan.
- We take souls in exchange for money and power: Stop for a second and think about what you do all day. You create an image for someone, through articles, blog posts, press releases and more. And with that image, your client gains two things: Money and Power. Just like that you are giving a person the keys to his favorite kingdom. Now, you don’t actually take his soul in exchange, but if he loses his soul as he becomes richer and more powerful, you are at least partly to blame.
- Freelance writers hate to be exorcised: Um… actually we hate exErcising, but isn’t it kinda the same thing? Anyway, we choose a sedentary way of life. We read, research, study and write, all while sitting on our collective behinds. Oh, and don't leave a bunch of comments about how you loooove to exercise or I'll throw eye of newt in your eye. I'm betting the majority of you would rather read a book than walk on a treadmill.
There you have it, petite princes and princesses of darkness. You have a lot in common with Satan, so keep that in mind as you go out into the world and try to use all your powers for good... unless someone pays you enough not to. Mwahahahahahahahaha!